Bar Mitzvah means “son of the commandment” and Bat Mitzvah means “daughter of the commandment,” both implying “one who is subject to Jewish law.” This is Judaism’s way of identifying the threshold when children assume responsibility for their choices and actions: Jewish adulthood. B’nai and B’not are the corresponding plurals; at NVHC, we use the inclusive term BMitzvah, which makes no assumptions about gender. These terms are nouns and refer to the person: one becomes a BMitzvah. It is a statement of emerging identity.

Your child becoming BMitzvah is a joyous milestone for your family and for our congregation. It is a moment to recognize that your child is taking an honored place in shalshelet ha-kabbalah—the chain of Jewish tradition—and in the NVHC adult community. They are now counted in a minyan (a praying community), capable of adding their voice to the ongoing conversation of the Jewish people, and beginning the journey into adulthood.

The modern BMitzvah celebration has evolved over time and is not mentioned in the Hebrew Bible, Mishnah, or Talmud. Technically, a Jewish child becomes BMitzvah automatically upon turning 13, whether or not they participate in a ceremony. However, the preparation and rituals help your child enter adolescence as they begin asking deeper questions about themselves, their families, and the world. Through BMitzvah, Judaism and Jewish community can become anchors amid the pressures that develop in middle and high school.

Judaism is a participatory culture, not a religion dependent upon clergy. The NVHC BMitzvah program is designed to help your child gain confidence in these skills and curiosity about the life lessons embedded in them to demonstrate adulthood at the time of our weekly communal gathering on Shabbat. These are lofty aspirations, but they are exactly what we hope to nurture as your child participates in Shabbat worship, chooses and practices mitzvot (sacred deeds), chants from Torah and Haftarah (Prophetic text), and shares their own developing understanding of Torah with the community.

BMitzvah is not a graduation, but rather a turning point; not a destination, but a launch pad. Children transition from being students at Kehillat Limmud to becoming madrichim (teen teaching assistants). Their learning and community-building continues, becoming peer-driven through Tamid, Confirmation, youth group events, and travel opportunities. We know this journey is exciting and, at times, a little daunting. This guide is designed to help you navigate the process, answer your questions, and support your family as your child experiences this awe-filled transformation.

Note: The information here is intended as a reference for parents. NVHC policies and practices will evolve over time. Please verify current information with the appropriate contacts listed on the sidebar of this page, and remain in conversation with our clergy team throughout the process.

Timeline

All Ages - Ongoing

Religious School Attendance

To ensure that BMitzvah students are prepared, they are expected to continue their Jewish education through Kehilat Limmud. Students must attend religious school for three consecutive years prior to becoming BMitzvah. Education components include Hebrew, prayer, Jewish values, sacred texts, and history.

Shabbat Service Attendance

Although we don’t have a formal service attendance requirement, regular service attendance is strongly encouraged. Attending services will provide you and your child with familiarity and comfort with the prayers and flow of the service, reinforce learning happening in the classroom, and give you a broader view of the NVHC community beyond the classroom. Children of all ages are always welcome at our services (really, nobody frowns at fidgety kids and we turn the Multi-Purpose Room into a kid-friendly play space with a live feed for parents on Friday nights). Here is what we recommend as you raise your family:

  • Families with children ages 0-4: Go to Tot Shabbat monthly and enroll in Punims, our monthly class for children ages 0-4 and their parent(s), to build friendships and lay a foundation that Shabbat is a time for family gathering and that the synagogue is a place for joy and community.
  • Families with children in Kindergarten-2nd grade: Attend Friday night Erev Shabbat services four times per year even though the timing on Friday evenings might be tough for children. When kids attend, they witness their parents as part of the community practicing Judaism as adults.
  • Families with children in 3rd-6th grade: Attend Friday night or Saturday morning Shabbat services six times per year. These are the prime Hebrew learning years and the Hebrew skills developed during the week can be applied on Friday nights and Saturday mornings through reading and singing with the community. Osmosis is a powerful teacher.
  • Parents: During the elementary years, parents should check out Shabbat Sustenance (9:00-10:30am Saturdays). This is the main gathering at NVHC for weekly Torah Study. Children who know their parents occasionally study Torah will understand why we ask them to study Torah in order to become adults. Also, Shabbat Sustenance is casual, has bagels, and is filled with learning and laughter. If you are raising a kid with an intellectual bent, Shabbat Sustenance is appropriate also for children starting at age 12.
  • Students in BMitzvah year: Go to every single Saturday morning service you possibly can, especially when someone is becoming BMitzvah. This is a way to learn the service, become comfortable in the sanctuary, welcome visitors, and support your classmates.
  • 8-12th grade students: Attend Shabbat with their peers as part of Youth Group programming or as a casual meet-up. They should especially attend Confirmation and graduation Shabbat in the spring. 

Two Years Ahead

Scheduling of the BMitzvah Date

BMitzvah scheduling takes place annually. We schedule for a calendar year, two years prior (meaning if your child is becoming BMitzvah in 2030, we will schedule their date in 2028). You will first receive a form in January asking you to provide inputs to our scheduling process, including any potential scheduling constraints that you may have.

We also consider clergy availability, Jewish holidays, secular holidays, and we do not schedule BMitzvah during July and August. You can then expect to receive your date assignment around March of that scheduling year (two years prior to the BMitzvah.

While we will attempt to schedule a date as close to their thirteenth birthday as possible, there are many factors taken into consideration as we develop the schedule, including your child’s readiness to assume the responsibilities of BMitzvah. Sometimes, the date is just before the student turns 13; if that is a concern for you, please indicate that on the form. Please know that your child may share their date with another student as a “double” BMitzvah.

NVHC strives to be inclusive of all learning styles and educational needs. We are committed to working towards full participation and accessibility for people with disabilities and mental health conditions, in every way we are able. Parents with children who have special needs should contact the Director of Congregation Learning to arrange for an individualized education plan and the Cantor to discuss options for a tailored BMitzvah celebration.

Initial Family Meeting with Cantor Caro

After the BMitzvah date is assigned, the student and parent(s) will meet with Cantor Caro. The purpose of this meeting is to have a conversation about the meaning of BMitzvah for you and your family, your hopes and desires for this journey, and our communal goals and aspirations. These meetings typically take place between May and August about two years prior to your BMitzvah date. You will be contacted by our BMitzvah Coordinator to schedule this meeting at the appropriate time.

Hebrew Names

Your child’s Hebrew name is one of the enduring identities they receive as part of Jewish life, connecting them to the Jewish people, Jewish tradition, and their family. Throughout life, a Hebrew name is used for blessings, prayers for healing, life cycle events, and when being called to the Torah. At the BMitzvah service, the student will be called to the Torah by their Hebrew name. A Hebrew name is in the formula of [Hebrew name] [son/daughter of] [parent’s Hebrew name(s)], reflecting the Jewish tradition of identifying individuals through their family lineage. For example: Isaac ben Avraham v’ Sarah;  Rivkah bat Betheul v’ Leah. Parents are also called by their Hebrew names as part of the service. Please speak with Cantor Caro if your student does not have a Hebrew name.

One Year Ahead

Torah Corps Begins

Torah Corps is NVHC’s special preparation program for BMitzvah, combining individual and group study that plants firm roots for lifelong Jewish practice and connection. About a year prior to the BMitzvah date, the student’s preparation will become more focused as they shift from their Hebrew class into Torah Corps as part of Kehillat Limmud on Sunday mornings. This learning must be supplemented by necessary and regular practicing at home. 

Cantor Caro is the primary mentor and teacher in Torah Corps, supervising the entire program. Teen madrichim (teaching assistants) help facilitate and support the learning, providing guidance and encouragement. Students study chevurta-style, which means they study together in a small cohort with other students who are also preparing for BMitzvah, so they are going through the journey with peers. Our unique program is designed to encourage students to take responsibility for themselves and their work, which is critical at this age of emotional development.

Torah Corps’ structure supports a variety of learning modes and needs. Students will receive a study binder, prayer recordings,  recordings of their Torah and Haftarah verses, and a listening device (MP3 player) to support learning both at home and in class. As a backup, all of their Torah Corps materials are also online. Students are also provided study guides with weekly assignments, and a year-long checklist to help map out milestones of accomplishment.

Please note that our students continue learning during the summer prior to their BMitzvah in weekday sessions of Torah Corps, which meet approximately bi-monthly, June through August.

Eight Months Ahead

Mitzvah Matters

The original purpose of the public reading of Haftarot (selected readings from the bible to accompany the Torah reading) was to connect sacred text with important Jewish values in order to keep those texts relevant for the reader. The message of the biblical prophets is that the stakes are high for how we act in the world. Doing mitzvot is the way that we connect with God, with the best parts of ourselves and with one another.

Along with their parents and Cantor Caro, students choose between one of nine mitzvot that they feel most connected to or that interest them the most. From that, they are assigned Haftarah verses that connect to that mitzvah. They are then asked to create three actions or activities to engage in that are related to their Haftarah portion and chosen mitzvah, and will talk about this work as part of their d’var Torah.

As students prepare to become BMitzvah, we want these sacred texts to continue to be relevant in their lives. By connecting mitzvot with the social justice and value-based ideas of the Prophets, they will be chanting and learning passages that reflect those Jewish values that bring meaning from our ancient teachings to their own lives and to the life of our NVHC community.

Six Months Ahead

Family Check-In Meeting with Cantor Caro

About six months prior to the BMitzvah date, the student and parent(s) will have a check-in meeting with Cantor Caro. At this meeting, she will listen to the student’s Hebrew and also talk about which mitzvah value the student will focus on and the related Haftarah portion.

Ten Weeks Ahead

Family Meeting with Rabbi Holzman

About 10 weeks prior to the BMitzvah date, the student and parent(s) will meet with Rabbi Holzman. The purpose of this meeting is to talk more directly about the responsibilities associated with becoming BMitzvah, and to prepare the student to begin writing the D’var Torah (teaching) that they will share at their BMitzvah service.

Eight Weeks Ahead

Work on Service Honors

The central portions of the Saturday morning service are the rituals and blessings for reading from Torah. For this part of the service, the BMitzvah family may invite family members or friends to participate through aliyah blessings or English readings. The parent(s) will be provided a service honors worksheet about eight weeks prior to the BMitzvah date where they can designate who will be participating in this part of the service.

When there is a “double” service with two BMitzvah students, the honors are allocated appropriately between the two families. Each family will receive a worksheet with the honors available to their family. Each student will read their assigned verses from the portion in succession; they will not read the same verses.

  • Passing the Torah. The beginning of the Torah service features the passing of the Torah scroll from grandparents to parents to the child, symbolizing the continuation of tradition, linking the generations to the giving of Torah at Mount Sinai. At NVHC, we invite Jewish and non-Jewish parents and grandparents to be present on the bimah for this ritual.
  • Hebrew Honors: Aliyot. An aliyah literally means “going up” and refers to the being called to the bimah to recite the blessings before and after a section of Torah is read. Traditionally, the honor of an aliyah is reserved for Jews who are past the age of BMitzvah. At NVHC, our practice is that Jews are called to recite the blessings and can be accompanied by a non-Jewish person. We strongly encourage those who will be having this honor to practice the Hebrew of the prayers ahead of time. This is a great opportunity for the student to coach their family and friends coming up for this honor, because it is something that the students know for sure! For those who do not know the blessings, or are not comfortable reciting them, it is preferred that they stand respectfully with the one reciting the blessing, rather than try to “fake” their way through.
  • Hebrew Names. Those who will be called for an Aliyah will be called using their full Hebrew name (if they have one). A Hebrew name is in the formula of [Hebrew name] [son/daughter of] [parent’s Hebrew name(s)], reflecting the Jewish tradition of identifying individuals through their family lineage. Examples: Isaac ben Avraham v’ Sarah;  Rivkah bat Betheul v’ Leah.
  • English readings and non-speaking Honors. There are several English readings that can be done by Jews or non-Jews. Additionally, there are roles that do not require any speaking: opening and closing the ark or dressing and holding the Torah scroll. Except for holding the Torah scroll, these are great ways to include children who are below the age of BMitzvah.

For other logistics related to the service, please see our Logistics page, linked in the sidebar.

Six Weeks Ahead

D’var Torah Meetings with Rabbi Barrett

In the two months leading up to the BMitzvah service, the student will meet three times with Rabbi Barrett to write their D’var Torah. These meetings are generally held every two weeks and the student formulates and refines their words of teaching based on their Torah portion, Haftarah, and mitzvah project.

Week of BMitzvah

Rehearsal

There will be an in-person BMitzvah Rehearsal held the week before the BMitzvah date. Typically, this is held on that Tuesday at 4:00pm; please contact the BMitzvah Coordinator if that is not possible and we will do our best to accommodate. The rehearsal is held in the sanctuary and typically lasts 60-90 minutes. Parent(s) and the BMitzvah student must be present. The student should wear the shoes they plan to wear at the Saturday service to know how they feel in their shoes when they are standing for a long time and as they are holding and carrying the Torah scroll.

The Weekend Arrives

Erev Shabbat (Friday Night)

Our Erev Shabbat services are joyful, warm, and welcoming, meant to touch both mind and heart. Services begin at 7:00pm each week. The entire family should plan to attend the Friday night service and arrive no later than 6:45pm. The family will have the honor of lighting candles at the beginning of the service, and the student will help lead Motzi and Kiddush at the end of the service. It is customary for the BMitzvah family to sponsor the Friday night Oneg (refreshments) which follow the service.

Shabbat Morning

Our Saturday morning services are held at 10:30am. While your family members are our guests, the service is open to all congregants (no invitation required). It is, however, customary to send an invitation to all of the students in the Torah Corps cohort your child has been studying with for the service and any planned celebration events.

Appropriate Attire

We encourage you to think about how you and your family will dress for the service. A BMitzvah is a religious service and an important and exciting milestone in your family journey. We ask that you dress appropriately to reflect its significance as well as be comfortable rather than distracted by clothing during the service. We want the focus to be on the experience and meaning of the day.

On a practical note:

  • There is a lot of standing during a service and Torah scrolls are heavy! Make sure your shoes are comfortable.
  • The BMitzvah sits facing the congregation. Make sure your clothing is appropriate while sitting and being seen.

Wearing a Tallit

A tallit (or tallis) is a Jewish prayer shawl. It acts as a physical reminder of God’s commandments and as a declaration of Jewish identity. The tallit has tzitzit (fringes) which are knotted in a specific way representing the commandments. At NVHC, it is customary for Jewish adults (anyone over the age of BMitzvah) to wear a tallit at services when Torah will be read.

The day of the BMitzvah is the first opportunity for the student to wear their tallit. This may be one that has been purchased especially for them or one that has belonged to a family member. For a student, having their own tallit marks the beginning of a lifelong Jewish journey with a sacred garment that can wrap them in prayer, memory, and belonging through every stage of life. There are many designs and variations of tallitot available. The NVHC Boutique (Judaica Shop) can help you select one.

If you do other searching or purchasing online, please be cautious about the websites that you purchase from to ensure that you are purchasing a legitimate tallit (Hebrew Christians and Jews for Jesus sell tallitot on Amazon filled with symbols of the Christian religion). We will also have tallitot available for use during the service for other family members if needed.

Tisch

Tisch is a Yiddish word that means table, referring to a festive communal gathering on Shabbat. At NVHC, the Tisch is an opportunity for the immediate family to gather, and the time for parents to offer words of blessing to their child. It is also the time when the student puts on their tallit for the first time, which can be ‘presented’ by family members. You should arrive at the synagogue no later than 9:45am for the Tisch.

Order of Reading Torah 

The central portions of the Saturday morning service are the rituals and blessings for reading from Torah. For this part of the service, the BMitzvah family may invite family members or friends to participate through aliyah blessings or English readings. The parent(s) will be provided a service honors worksheet about eight weeks prior to the BMitzvah date where they can designate who will be participating in this part of the service.

When there is a “double” service with two BMitzvah students, the honors are allocated appropriately between the two families. Each family will receive a worksheet with the honors available to their family. Each student will read their assigned verses from the portion in succession; they will not read the same verses.

  • Passing the Torah. The beginning of the Torah service features the passing of the Torah scroll from grandparents to parents to the child, symbolizing the continuation of tradition, linking the generations to the giving of Torah at Mount Sinai. At NVHC, we invite Jewish and non-Jewish parents and grandparents to be present on the bimah for this ritual.
  • Hebrew Honors: Aliyot. An aliyah literally means “going up” and refers to the being called to the bimah to recite the blessings before and after a section of Torah is read. Traditionally, the honor of an aliyah is reserved for Jews who are past the age of BMitzvah. At NVHC, our practice is that Jews are called to recite the blessings and can be accompanied by a non-Jewish person. We strongly encourage those who will be having this honor to practice the Hebrew of the prayers ahead of time. This is a great opportunity for the student to coach their family and friends coming up for this honor, because it is something that the students know for sure! For those who do not know the blessings, or are not comfortable reciting them, it is preferred that they stand respectfully with the one reciting the blessing, rather than try to “fake” their way through.
  • Hebrew Names. Those who will be called for an Aliyah will be called using their full Hebrew name (if they have one). A Hebrew name is in the formula of [Hebrew name] [son/daughter of] [parent’s Hebrew name(s)], reflecting the Jewish tradition of identifying individuals through their family lineage. Examples: Isaac ben Avraham v’ Sarah; Rivkah bat Betheul v’ Leah.
  • English readings and non-speaking Honors. There are several English readings that can be done by Jews or non-Jews. Additionally, there are roles that do not require any speaking: opening and closing the ark or dressing and holding the Torah scroll. Except for holding the Torah scroll, these are great ways to include children who are below the age of BMitzvah.

For other logistics related to the service, please see our Logistics page, linked in the sidebar.

After BMitzvah

Becoming BMitzvah is an important life milestone, but it is not the end of the journey. We strongly encourage you and your child to stay connected to Jewish community through high school and beyond. As students enter middle school and high school, they are beginning to make sense of their identity and their place in the world. At NVHC, most of our BMitzvah students continue their religious studies through Confirmation and participate in youth group and volunteer activities.

Tamid

Tamid (“always” or “eternal” in Hebrew) is our youth education and engagement program for students in grades 8-12. Tamid encompasses all teen engagement, including Tuesday evening programming (6:15-8:00pm; optional dinner at 5:45), Sunday afternoon programming when there is Kehillat Limmud (12:00-1:00; Confirmation 12:00-1:30pm), synagogue and regional youth groups, the madrichim program, and Confirmation.

On Tuesdays, students can opt into dinner from a variety of restaurants. Our programs rotate between different types and themes each week, including Talmud Torah (building core Jewish knowledge), current events, social action, and socializing. Each week is a little different and our learning is often customized to what students are interested in or experiencing. The program is structured this way to provide a little bit of everything in an environment for teens across grades and interests to learn, get to know each other, and have fun.

On Sundays, students are provided lunch and then head into programming that varies each session, from practicing tikkun olam (social action) to having deep conversations about important topics and studying Jewish texts to spending time together in community. Sunday programming (and food) will be different from Tuesday programming, so students are encouraged to attend both.

Confirmation

Confirmation is a Reform Jewish tradition where teens (typically in 10th or 11th grade) publicly affirm their commitment to Judaism. Just as a child takes responsibility for selfhood when they become BMitzvah, our teens take responsibility for the Jewish community at the point of Confirmation. They spend the year learning with our clergy about Judaism, and talk about their vision for the Jewish community. Confirmation class takes place on Sundays when there is Kehillat Limmud from 12:00-1:30pm, including lunch.

Confirmation culminates with a ceremony marking the end of the year of study. The Confirmation students plan the service as an expression of their values. The service usually takes place in May or June and as part of the congregational observance of Shavuot.

Students in Confirmation (as well as all students 10th-12th grade) have the opportunity to participate in the L’taken Social Justice Seminar, an exciting weekend in Washington, DC learning about different public policy issues that culminates in each student presenting a speech on a topic important to them to their Senators and Representatives.

Madrichim – Teen Mentors in Classrooms

Once a child reaches 8th grade, they are eligible to become a madrich or madricha in our religious school. Madrichim are teen aides, role models, and teaching assistants. They support classroom teaching, provide one-on-one student support, and build workplace and leadership skills. Students must be enrolled in Tamid to serve as madrichim, demonstrating their own commitment to ongoing Jewish learning and modeling that commitment for the students they teach. Madrichim can choose to receive community service hours or pay.